The Earth Liberation Front’s Green Christmas Giving Guide
by Santa’s Secret ELF
Love, Revenge and 60% off Carbon Neutral Unicorn Farts
Sometimes during the Christmas season it’s all too easy to lose track of what really matters: friends, family, baby Jesus and the basic life support systems of the planet.
Everywhere we look we are confronted with sales on heavy metal laden electronic devices, plastic toys with lead paint from China, posh clothes produced in a slave factory in Burma and other nasty mass-consumables.
Each will likely add to the toxification of the last reserves of fresh water and air that our great-grandchildren will wish we had not fucked up.
Can you hear them now? “Merry Christmas and thanks for the tumor you shithead. Glad you were able to watch that YouTube video on your smart phone and send Instagram photos to your Facebook page from the comfort of you crapper. Hope you took a video of a forest and an amphibian cause I’ll never fucking see one.”
But guess what?!?
There are a couple of really great Earth-friendly items out there.
No, we’re not talking about signing up for the Sierra Club’s Bank of America credit card, or any of the superfluous pieces of junk “civilized” people drool all over and which marketing gurus have recast as green. The bamboo iPhone case, the solar powered leaf blower, and, if you are an Obama voter, the flex-fuel unmanned drone will only aid the boring death of your soul.
This Christmas, why not fall in love with the very foundations of life and then get crazy and go out there and repay the fuckers who continue to exacerbate the murder of our planet. Think about the way baby Jesus kicked the shit out of those money lenders and then proclaimed that no rich mother fucker could ever get into heaven. Do some of that shit this holiday season, or, if that’s too much, maybe you could just re-gift or something. You know you won’t read 50 Shades of Grey again.
Anyway, just don’t fall for any sort of green(washed) gift ideas. Aside from unicorn farts (which contain no methane), a big fat hug and kiss, or some sort of crafty shit you make yourself out of found items, its all a scam!
Check out this list below for a smattering of names of the A-holes on Santa’s shit list and consider joining his band of super secret assassin elves that have sworn to destroy the Earth-brutalizing culture before it melts all the fucking snow in the North Pole (which will probably be sometime in mid-August of next year).
You might also consider reading these great guides on monkey wrenching and ecological sabotage. They make great stocking stuffers.
The Earth Liberation Front’s Greener Giving Cadets
Santa’s Naughty Earth Killers List Part 1 of 120
Aubrey K. MClendon, chairman and CEO of Chesapeake Energy (gas fracker). Offices: 220 E St NE, Washington, DC 20002 and 6100 North Western Avenue, Oklahoma City, OK 73118. Phone (405) 935-8000
Baxter F. Phillips Jr, CEO of Massey Energy (mountaintop remover) Home: 8954 Tarrytown Drive, Henrico, VA 23229. Phone: (804) 784-6076
Armando J. Olivera, CEO of Florida Power and Light (proposer of power plant in primary panther habitat). Home: 5510 N Ocean Dr. #15 D. Office: 700 Universe Blvd, North Palm Beach, FL 33408. Phone: (561) 694-4000
Russ Girling, CEO of TransCanada (tar sands pillaging in Alberta, and wind farms clear-cutting Lynx habitat in Maine) Office: 450 1 Street SW, Calgary, Alberta, Canada. Phone: (403) 920-2000
Brian T. Moynihan, CEO Bank of America (bank-rolled the companies who produced 40% of all the mountaintop removal coal mined last year). Home: 1 Federal, Wellesley Hills, MA 02481. (704) 386-5681.
Brandon Darby, FBI informant (founder of Citizen Patriot Response, a snitch advocacy group). Address: 21 Cotton Gin Road, Kyle, Texas, 78640. Phone (512) 268-9388.